A Story For Artists About Letting Go of Approval
by Thea Fiore-Bloom, Ph.D.
I was feeling stressed, insecure and slightly deranged last week.
So I went down to the beach as the sun was rising. I was hoping to have the ocean to myself for a few minutes.
But when I came up over the last dune before the waterline, I saw something odd.
A smiling woman in her sixties with blue eyeshadow and lots of fabulous turquoise jewelry had beaten me down there.
That’s not the odd part. (No matter how early you get up someone is always up earlier.)
The odd part was this:
This gal’s red, white and blue tie-dyed dress reached her shins in front. But the back half of that dress was definitely balled up into her high-waisted, white underwear.
She was happy as a clam, sauntering along exposing her hindquarters to the gulls.
Should I tell her?
‘Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you if you were only wearing the front half of your dress Thea?’ I asked myself.
“Hi,” I said.
“Umm, this is awkward but I just thought I should let you know your dress is up in the back?”
She did not blush.
Nor did she stammer.
She definitely did not thank me.
In fact, she did not even take her eyes off the sand she was eyeballing for shells.
What did she do?
She nonchalantly pulled the back of her dress out of her underwear and said:
“So what. Happens all the time.”
The Wisdom of the Woman Whose Dress Was Stuck in Her Underpants
Then she looked up at me, smiled and added in a carefree, chipper way:
“Finding lots of sea glass and sand dollars today here. You?”
She seemed to have felt no shame or need to explain anything.
Just a tug out and a check-in on the shell count.
I was lost in admiration.
It was as if she said to me:
“What, who doesn’t have underwear, or a rump for that matter?”
Or as if she said, “Accidentally exposing your butt once in a while is just part of life on earth girly. Get over it.”
After the power of speech returned to me, my new tie-dyed dress friend and I had a serious talk about sand dollars.
Which progressed to a hysterical talk about the abundance of men in her life.
I headed south and she north.
I doubt I’ll see her again.
But as I was washing the sand off my feet at the spigot my thoughts stayed with her.
I was thinking about the propensity to be “audacious” or slightly “loony” that comes to many women with age.
The encounter reminded me of journalist Jenny Joseph‘s short poem “Warning.”
Written by Joseph in her twenties, “Warning” is still the most popular poem in all of England today. She reads it here:
An Ode To Those Who Are Letting Go of Approval
But I wonder, was it audaciousness/looniness that allowed tie-dyed woman to travel the world relatively shame-free?
Or was it that rare something you hardly see in women under 70?
Profound self-acceptance.
And the grace and humor that comes with it.
Tie-dyed woman was so excited to get down to the beach that she had a wardrobe malfunction.
So what? She still liked herself just fine.
“In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.”
— Caroline Caldwell
The Freedom Gained From Letting Go of Approval
Turns out my beachcomber pal was a retired special ed teacher, and now a full-time artist.
I bet her ability to not buy into shame comes in handy at work.
Less time apologizing = more time for painting.
I brushed the last bits of sand from my toes and asked myself:
‘Jesus, how much more time would I have devoted to art in my life if I hadn’t been spending so much of it worrying about people metaphorically (or literally) seeing my underwear?’
How about you?
I’m not asking you to run around with your underwear hanging out on purpose today.
But I am asking you to spend less time worrying if they are.
(For more on the benefits of letting go of approval for artists read Frida Kahlo for Artists and Writers: 7 Tips from the Life of a Mexican Maverick.)
Let’s Conclude This Story About Letting Go of Approval With a Quick “Cosmo” Quiz:
Question: What does your personal underwear style say about you as an artist?
Wait — what was that you answered?
Did I hear you say: “I wear the waist-high kind. They are currently storing the back half of my dress— and I don’t care”?
Ding, Ding, Ding, You Win!!
In my eyes, you have the best underwear a creative can buy.
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What are your thoughts?
Has letting go of approval been something you have done that’s freed you? Tell me in the comments, please. I’d love to hear from you.
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One situation that requires letting go of approval is when you’ve been trolled. If you need help with that or know a friend who might, head over to The Charmed Studio post, Transcending a Troll: O’Keeffe Shows Us a Way Out.
Or you may like:
Should You Paint from Your Shadow Side?
How To Get an Artist’s Residency? Don’t Apply For One, Do This Instead
Bye-Bye Facebook: How Artists Can Succeed Without Social Media
Artists and Priorities: A Magical Method for Organizing Your Time
Rachel Carson: A Fairy Godmother For Artists & Writers
How Art Can Heal a Broken Heart
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Great article! I always enjoy your work. Keep inspiring!
Thanks Brenda! You just made my day. Thinking of you and your wonderful art.
Love it!
Thanks for letting me know you got what I was trying to say here Sara! You made my morning. Have a wonderful October.
Hey friend! The summer has come and gone. Can you believe it?
If you want a good laugh, look in my underwear drawer. The right side is stuffed full of balls of socks, the middle is for the few bras and camisoles I own. The left has various sizes and styles of underwear. Nothing is folded. The most-worn pairs of underwear are at the top and the ones that don’t fit at all are stuffed in the back corner. I can’t call them panties anymore because I see panties as being pretty and delicate. And sexy. Nope. None of mine are sexy–oh, wait, there is a pair that used to be sexy. They’re the only ones left. They’re those boy-cut panties trimmed in lace. Periwinkle in color and at first glance there is a delicate sexiness about them. Then you see the little holes and the torn lace. Those are last-resort underwear now. The rest of them are waist-high, french-cut style and they hold in my pouchy tummy. I do still care about appearances and I’m not letting everything hang out, but I don’t care what my underwear looks like anymore. That must mean something..
OMG, thank you for writing this comment. You could transform it into a poem and women would carry you on their shoulders. It’s the polar opposite of the Cosmo tripe that perpetuates our various forms of self-shaming. Humor sets you free right? “The truth about underwear drawers,” lol.
BTW Hope all went well last month and that you are hearty once again.
I adore this post. Maybe by the time I’m 70 I’ll be more like your tie dyed lady! Only 10 years to go. It can take decades to undo certain conditioning but I’m playing at it. 🙂
Thanks for writing and telling me Carlynne, you made my morning. Your comment prompted me to ask you (and myself) a question: If tie dyed lady could wave a magic wand and instantly remove one piece of conditioning, which piece would you choose to be zapped and removed first?
The absolute first would have to be shame and you know the story behind that one. That “what will the neighbors think” mentality. I think another would be the “not good enough” conditioning. That was all the time from either home or church. Hell, the words “I’m not worthy” are still said by everyone attending mass. One of the very many reasons I no longer attend. I’m doing lots better about the whole not-giving-a-rip-what-other-people-think thing. Now where’s my tie-dyed dress? I do actually have one in my closet somewhere but I don’t think it fits anymore. LOL
LOL!! I am so glad I asked. I officially pronounce you more than worthy. And especially worthy of a new tie dyed dress. I may have to buy one now myself. You’re the best.
Oh my, I‘ve done the ‘dress caught in the underwear’ gig while dancing at a company holiday party! I’m glad I got that out of my system lol. Thank you for that poetry reading. It’s good to get things in perspective from time to time.
Thanks Melissa for writing me and sharing your story.When we return to star dust, what happened at holiday parties will be irrelevant right? Congrats on letting it out of your system long before then. You are, as usual, doing beautifully and ahead of schedule. 🙂
I loved this blog as usual. I have a Facebook page that’s called, Aging Definitely with Humor. One in my things is you’re never too old to make a fool of yourself. Which kind of means laugh at yourself and never forget that child within you. One of my favorite things to do, as a woman of a certain age, is to do things that no one would expect from me. Like no one my age would ever do something like that. I hate when people think if you’re old you’ve lost your sense of extreme behavior or how about that horrible saying, act your age. What is that anyway. And who decides that?
Act your age, exactly. Malarkey. The phrase that always gets me is “appropriate, ” or its evil twin-“inappropriate.” As in… It is inappropriate for older women to have long hair, or age appropriate looks for women in 30’s, 40’s 50’s etc. It’s so absurd to live by arbitrary magazine rules. Who makes those choices into rules? Bored editors? Masons? Kidding. I have no idea.
Oh and can you give me an example from your own life of “never being to old to make a fool out of yourself.”?
I’m never appropriate. I still dress like a teenage boy but I don’t know why. My wife calls me Bart Simpson. Well I dance to a Rihanna song like a fool and put it on my Facebook page. The other day I was driving and there was a story on NPR and a girl was singing a song from peter pan I won’t grow up. Well just losing my mom put me in a weird space and I started singing that song at the top of my lungs with all my windows open driving and I hope that someone heard me. Because that song was such a part of my childhood and I think I took it to heart.
So Wonderful Denise! Thanks so much! I love that your wife calls you Bart Simpson and that you dance to Rihanna and put it on your facebook page. That makes my day. Keep loving yourself fiercely and singing loudly and dancing wildly. You’re a teacher of life skills for the rest of us.
I so loved this blogpost. You always hit the nail on the head. This reminded me of an experience i had when I was 22.:
I lived in Cleveland Heights at the time and had a huge crush on a guy who worked in the local pita shop where I would hang out with my friends. I was too shy to approach him, and I was very insecure. One day, I rushed home from school and changed my clothes, quickly putting on yesterday’s jeans which were sitting on a pile on the floor. I was late meeting my friends at the pita shop. As I was placing my order at the counter, I saw the cute guy walking towards me and my heart began to beat quickly and my stomache started having butterflies. As he leaned toward me, he whispered in my ear: “I think you have something hanging out of your pant leg.” I looked down and saw yesterday’s underwear making its ugly appearance. I quickly reached down and said to him “Oh, thanks” as I shoved them in my back pocket. My friends saw the whole thing while they were watching from the booth nearby and teased me mercifully for days. I was humiliated then but I think today I would have a clever follow up to making a date with him.
Today I feel like I’m always walking around with my underwear hanging out of my pant leg, but I don’t really care. I know I’m human and think I have to laugh into my power. The power I know feel about not caring.
I’ve walked around with a pair of undies in my jeans legs as well-lol! I cant believe yours chose to come out of your jeans right when they did. shoot. I am so glad to have written the post because I got to hear that story of yours in return. I felt I was there in that pita place! Oh god what would the ultimate date-inducing comeback have been?
Maybe something like: ” Yeah these underwear were on my bedroom floor, but you know , YOUR underwear would look even better there.”?? 🙂
What would you say now?
Hah! That’s a perfect comeback! I think I would say, care to schedule a time when you could see my CLEAN underwear?
LMAO! Tell him. Look him up and say that line, it’s the best! Just say oh there is something I’ve had to say to you for a few decades now…
Yes humor can be so empowering! I don’t think I ever knew his name!
Yes humor can be so empowering! I don’t think I ever knew his name! Really, he just gave me the best lesson and memory!
But seriously answering with humor is so strengthening for out own souls as you said in the first comment. Especially great to use humor to banish shame over clean vs dirty issues.